10 years gone today. The truth is, loosing my brother and cousin to such horrible act of violence has been one of the hardest things my family has had to overcome.
People that truly know me, know me as strong, independent, empathetic, forgiving, caring & one too many times, obdurate – but honestly, I am hardly half of what my brother was. It is because of him that I’ve learned to love life, and live in the moment. It is because of him I’ve learned to be resilient, giving up is simply not an option, no matter how tough things get.
Today, I write this, not because I want any pitty or sympathy. I write this because since these two deaths in our family, I’ve watched other families loose their brothers, cousins, sons, like-brothers, grandsons… Most recently, I learned about a high school friend whose mother has now been left with an unmendable heart – my heart goes out to her and the rest of his family.
In honor to my brother I feel a certain amount of responsibility to tell those who have lost someone that even 10 years later, the pain over loosing them is still there, but I promise it becomes manageable, you learn to carry them with you, you learn to love the memories, you’ll find your smile again, you’ll find peace as they have, and you will always remember them. You’ll learn to find them without even looking – and this will bring you a sense of happiness because it somehow brings them back just for that split second.
Through many years of tears, I have found him in the snow, because he loved it so much, in the cold breeze coming through my window because even in the midst of Winter he was the kind to keep his window open, in those songs he played one too many times – getting the cops called on our apartment because the bass was too loud. I have found him in that friend of mine who carries the same mannerisms, I have found him in young children, because he was a big kid at heart, I find him in the many pets I want because he was the biggest animal lover, I find him when I work on my cars because he introduced me to what a turbo is in a car, and taught me why my car was getting too hot! I find him in the places I’ve traveled that he would’ve loved to visit, I find him in that person standing up for someone else, because that’s the type of person he was.
It’s bittersweet but I have found that the pain comes from loving him, and I rather have that than to not have had him as a brother.
Love you, my Jack Frost, Mani.
10 years gone but never forgotten
